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Written by James M. Herzog, M.D
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Wednesday, 15 February 2006 |
Imagine that you are a 20-month-old baby who is adored by his parents and relatives. Imagine further that your parents, particularly your mother, is responsive to all your needs. You've been told that a new baby is coming, but that doesn't mean much to you. You have no idea that your whole life is about to change.
Then the new baby arrives. The adults always seem to be paying attention to her. Even though you can't express this in words, you know that you are no longer the baby of the family. You may even sense that, against your will, you are being pushed away from your mother.
The displaced firstborn tends to take it hard when a baby arrives. The fact is, he does have a lot to lose. Fortunately, he also has a lot to gain; the only problem is, he doesn't know it yet.
Sibling Basics
Before the firstborn is 18 months old, his verbal and cognitive skills are so undeveloped that he can't understand that a new baby has come into the family. He sees that there is another person in the house, but he has no idea that this person has any relationship to him or that the newcomer is there to stay. A two- year-old grasps some of these ideas and will listen to a common explanation such as, "We wanted to give you a baby sister to play with," but the explanation won't satisfy him. Playing with his parents was all the fun the older child ever wanted. And his feelings about the baby—anger, envy, competitiveness—are even more intense because he can't talk about them or reason them out.
But the news for the older sibling isn't all bad. Research has shown that because the father and the firstborn end up spending an increased amount of time together, a strong bond between the two may begin to develop. The child may experience this burgeoning relationship as a compensation of sorts for "losing" his mother. It may also help him get over his sense that the baby is an intruder.
What's crucial for a good sibling relationship is that, from the beginning, the parents convey to the older one that they have not stopped loving him, even though he is no longer their only child and the object of their total attention. Whenever possible, both parents, but especially the mother, should try to set aside special times to be alone with the firstborn and focus entirely on his needs and feelings.
The Effect on the Newcomer
Up to now, we've been talking about the impact of the sibling experience on the older child. Of course, the newcomer is affected, too. When two siblings are spaced relatively close together, within 24 or 30 months of each other, the younger child may develop a competitive attitude toward his older brother or sister. This usually doesn't happen until the younger child's motor skills become more proficient (anywhere between ages 15 and 18 months). At that time he may try to close the developmental gap between himself and his sibling by imitating the older child's accomplishments.
If there are three or more years between the children, the younger child may idealize the older one rather than compete with him. Wider spacing also allows the older child to experience separation from his mother at his own pace. He doesn't have to rush through it prematurely, which is inevitable when siblings are close in age.
Generally, competitiveness appears to be more intense between two siblings of the same sex. But opposite-sex siblings can also suffer if they sense that their parents favor one on the basis of gender. The way parents handle rivalry—whether they keep it in check or unconsciously foster it—determines more than anything else how acutely both children experience and express their negative feelings.
Though having a sibling causes a child to experience angry feelings, the situation also has a built-in safety net: the restraining influence of the parents. With their help, the child is never permitted to act on his anger. Over time, his need for their help in controlling his emotions decreases.
In the long run, the sibling relationship can bring a great deal of pleasure. And there are positive effects in the short run. Learning to manage powerful feelings about a sibling helps give a very young child the sense that he's in charge of his life.
Birth to Two
- A child under the age of two may see the new baby as replacing him in his mother's affections. Spending time alone regularly with the older child is a good way to provide reassurance and love.
- Developing a bond with the father can be a source of comfort for an older sibling. It may also help tone down some of the rivalrous feelings the child has toward the baby.
- Dealing with anger and jealousy helps siblings by giving them practice in managing intense emotions. —K.R.
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