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Understanding how children develop will help parents and other caregivers know what to expect. Children constantly change and develop as they grow. Researchers have found that young children pass through specific stages of development along the way.
The idea behind these "ages and stages" is that certain behavior is normal or appropriate at certain ages and not at others. There are four reasons why knowing what is normal behavior at different stages is helpful:
• Helps you understand your child's major job at different ages.
Sometimes when you think your child is misbehaving, he may really be just trying to do his job. For example, a two-year old's major job is to be "Boss" and if he says, "No, I don't want to ...!" you don't have to get upset, he is just doing his job of testing you.
• Helps you not expect too much from your child too soon (like expecting a three-year old to tie his shoes).
• Helps you prevent serious problems.
Once you know the kinds of things your child will do at his age, you can anticipate problems. For example, once you know that one-year-olds explore, you will expect your one-year-old to explore anything you leave on the floor, such as marbles.
• Helps you provide safe ways for your child to do her job and be ready to move on to the next stage.
Sometimes children simply can't do their jobs without coming in conflict with their parents one way or another. That's where we need to step in to help children do their jobs safely by providing safe limits. There are many ways to do this, and some are more effective than others.
Reasons Children Misbehave
According to some child development experts, children usually misbehave for one of four basic reasons: attention, power, revenge, or inadequacy.
Attention - When children believe they "belong" only when they are noticed. They feel important when they are commanding total attention. Parents can respond by giving attention at other times, ignoring inappropriate behavior, setting up routines, encouraging, redirecting, or setting up special times.
Power - When children believe they "belong" only when they are in control or are proving that no one can "boss them around." Parents can respond with kind-but firm respect, giving limited choices, setting reasonable limits, encouraging, and redirecting the child to a more acceptable activity. When children test their limits and use a public display to assert themselves, parents can continue to stick to the basic rules letting them know their behavior is unacceptable. Leave the situation if possible (store or home in which you are a guest). Talk when things are calmer at a later time.
Revenge - When children believe they "belong" only by hurting others, since they feel hurt themselves. Sometimes the reason for misbehavior is not clear. When there is a new pattern of acting out, children and parents should talk about how they are feeling. Parents can respond by avoiding harsh punishment and criticism, building trust, listening, reflecting feelings, practicing sharing of feelings, encouraging strengths and acting with care.
Inadequacy - When children believe they "belong" only when they convince others not to expect anything of them since they are helpless or unable. Parents can respond by encouraging their children to try things, focusing on the child's strengths, not criticizing or giving in to pity, offering opportunities for success and teaching skills in small steps.
Discipline Techniques
The type of discipline a parent uses influences the type of person a child becomes. What type of discipline do you use? What type of person do you want your child to become?
Fix-up - When children cause trouble or hurt another child, expect them to fix it up - or at least try to help. If they break a toy, ask them to help you fix it. If they make a child cry, have them help with the soothing. If they throw toys around the room, ask them to put them away.
Ignore - The best way to deal with misbehavior aimed at getting your attention is to simply ignore it. But be sure to give attention to your children when they behave well. Children need attention for good behavior, not misbehavior.
Be Firm - Clearly and firmly state, or even demand, that the child do what needs to be done. Speak in a tone that lets your child know that you mean what you say and that you expect the child to do as he is told. Being firm doesn't mean yelling, nagging, threatening, reasoning, or taking away privileges. Keep suggestions to a minimum, and always speak kindly, even when speaking firmly.
Stay in Control - Act before the situation gets out of control -- before you get angry and overly frustrated and before the child's behavior becomes unreasonable. Separation - When children irritate one another, fight, squabble, hit or kick, have them rest or play apart for a time. Being apart for a while lets each child calm down. Then you can use other ways to encourage better behavior.
Separation - When children irritate one another, fight, squabble, hit or kick, have them rest or play apart for a time. Being apart for a while lets each child calm down. Then you can use other ways to encourage better behavior.
Behavior Management - Talk with children calmly to learn what caused a disagreement. Then talk about ways to deal with it. Come to a solution that's agreeable to both you and the children. This helps children learn to be responsible for their behavior.
Redirection - When children get rowdy, stop them, explain why you are stopping them, and suggest another activity. When they knock over paint, give them a cloth and a pail of water to clean up the mess. When they race dangerously indoors, if possible, take them outside for
a game of chase. When they throw books at each other, gather them for a story time or organize a beanbag toss.
Praise - Give more attention and praise for good behavior and less for naughty behavior. Don't make punishment a reward. Let the child know that you appreciate a good attitude and cooperation. Children respond positively to genuine respect and praise.
*Missouri Parenting notebook - Positive Guidance and Discipline lesson
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