By age six or seven, physiological changes in the brain make a child more capable of thinking abstractly and drawing moral distinctions. He understands, for instance, that lying is a betrayal of trust.
Let's say that a four-year-old is told he may take two cookies from the cookie jar. Instead, when his mother isn't looking, he takes three. He may worry that his mother will be angry if she finds out, but he won't feel guilty. A seven-year-old who disobeys his mother knows that he's been disobedient, and feels guilty for not honoring the trust she has placed in him. Along with the capacity to think in a new and moral way, a school-age child begins to experience the promptings of an extremely sensitive internal monitor—the conscience—which acts as a holding tank for the values and standards he has taken in, or internalized, since earliest childhood. His conscience sends him a clear signal whenever he betrays that which he knows to be right. THE ORDER OF THINGS
Because a child loves her parents and wants them to love her, she tries to be like them. She unconsciously identifies with them, taking up their standards of conduct. At the same time, the child adopts the moral positions that underlie the behavior. For instance, one family may emphasize the importance of community service and considering the needs of others. Another may value hard work and taking responsibility for oneself. Yet another may enforce a prohibition against profane language. Later in life the child will choose either to continue accepting her parents' standards or to reject them for others. Whatever her decision, standards will be a permanent part of her character. A child this age still needs parents to set rules for daily behavior to help him establish an inner order, which in turn helps him develop a sense of morality. Without these limits, children may fail to develop the feeling that they are responsible for their own actions, or that they are obliged to conform to social values. When establishing these limits, parents must be consistent. If you make a rule that a child must be honest and then he overhears you telling your spouse that you "got away with" being undercharged for an item at the store, the child wonders whether dishonesty is really wrong. Or, let's say that you punish a child, but later try to make up to him by showering him with gifts. If this happens repeatedly, the child doesn't learn to take responsibility for his actions and probably becomes adept at inducing guilt as a way of getting himself out of sticky situations. The moral lesson he learns is that it pays to be manipulative. WHEN RULES ARE BROKEN
Even when a child is aware of what she is supposed to do, she doesn't always do it. At such times, the parents' response is crucial. If the parent gets extremely angry, she may think there is no way to recover from a mistake. As a result, she may learn to lie and claim she didn't do it. But parents can take a tack that nurtures their child's moral sensibility. They can remain calm and allow their youngster to admit the mistake and learn how she can right it. The child knows perfectly well that she has let her parents (and her conscience) down. She'll vow to do better the next time, and eventually, she probably will. By the end of elementary school, a child has developed the cognitive capacity to know, without always being told, the right thing to do. Now she has, to a very large extent, achieved an important goal of childhood: to be in control of her impulses, to take responsibility for her actions, and to act and think like a moral human being.
*Dr. Phyllis Tyson is an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Diego.
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