Your child learns from watching and listening to you. Yelling upsets and frightens children. Your goal should be to get your message across in a calm, firm way. If your child sees you working to calm yourself down, even if you have to leave the room to do it, she will know that it is okay to get angry, then calm down and regain control before dealing with a situation.

Remember that discipline is about teaching; think about what you're teaching your child when you spank her or shame her with words. Physical and verbal punishments may stop the immediate behavior, but the lesson she learns is that it's okay to lose control and hit someone when you are angry, even someone who is much smaller and less powerful than you are. A child can only learn behavior that she sees, and you are her most important role model.

Even though more than 60 percent of parents recently surveyed feel spanking is an acceptable method of discipline, most experts in child development disagree. The American Academy of Pediatrics officially took a stand against spanking, saying that it is no more effective than other approaches, and that it may well have negative consequences. Some studies have linked spanking to increased aggression in preschool and school-age children. A child need not be hurt to learn. In fact, he may be so upset by this kind of punishment that he won't experience anything but shame, helplessness, and anger-anger that may surface later against others.

Instead of spanking or yelling, try giving your child a 'time-out.' It's important to respond to an incident immediately after it occurs, otherwise your child won't be able to make a connection between his behavior and your reaction to it. You can make a 'time-out' a positive learning experience by making it a time for him to take a break from the overwhelming events, to think a bit about what happened, or to just sit quietly.

Understand that your power is great -- your child wants to please you, especially if you're fair and you respect him. Most importantly, after a struggle with your child, have a time for apologies and forgiveness; it's a good time to 'reconnect.' Explain to him why you thought his behavior was unacceptable and talk about how he can avoid that behavior in the future -- this gives him a chance to set his own limits.