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Allison, my 7-year-old daughter, and I were rushing to her ballet class. A few steps ahead of us were another little ballerina and her mom. As they entered the building, the woman looked back and saw us. But instead of holding the door open for Allison and me, she let it slam shut in our faces.
"Why did that lady do that to us?" Allison asked me.
Her query had a quick, easy answer ("She was being rude, honey"). However, it raised a more disturbing question in my mind: When so many people are so casually discourteous these days, how can I teach my daughter that manners really do matter?
Our kids live in a world where rude often rules. The enormous popularity of shock-for-shock's-sake radio and TV shows, movies, and books suggests that a sensibility of rudeness has permeated society, and that it's having a definite impact on our kids.
"The next time you're in public, see what your child sees: There are people grabbing merchandise in stores, jostling on the street, honking and cutting each other off in traffic," says Susan Ginsberg, Ed.D., the author of Family Wisdom: The 2,000 Most Important Things Ever Said About Parenting, Children, and Family Life (Columbia University Press). "All these things tell children that rudeness is an acceptable way of behaving. You need to counteract that by teaching your kids that politeness is the only acceptable way of acting."
And the importance of etiquette goes far beyond teaching your child to behave better in public and always to say "please" and "thank you." "We all want our children to have good values, and some of the most important—kindness, fairness, tolerance, and consideration for others—are basic to good manners," says Judith Wagner, Ph.D., director of the Broadoaks Children's School of Whittier College in California, where she is also a professor of child development.
Politeness gives kids an edge that will help them succeed throughout life. "When you teach children manners, you give them the self-confidence to handle any social situation they're thrust into," says Dr. Ginsberg. People also respond better to kids who show their respect for others by using good manners. "When children wait their turn, don't grab, and don't interrupt," she says, "it makes them more attractive to everyone, including teachers and other kids."
Fortunately, it's easier than you might think to raise a child who truly values politeness. Here's how to teach manners so they become automatic, even from an early age.
LAYING THE GROUNDWORK
From infancy, babies are tuned in to the way their parents interact with them and others, says Dr. Wagner. So your behavior becomes a model long before you see its effects. Your toddler is too young to understand fully the values behind polite words, but teaching him to say "thank you" and "may I?" has many long-range benefits. "It helps kids develop their budding empathy, as well as laying the foundation for experiencing themselves as thoughtful, considerate, well-mannered people," says Dr. Wagner.
Model polite behavior from the start. Your tone of voice counts; babies pick up on it. "Make sure you generally use a kind tone, not only with your child but with your spouse and the rest of the family," says Sharon Lamb, Ed.D., a coeditor The Emergence of Morality in Young Children (University of Chicago Press). "If you speak in a disrespectful tone, your child will think it's OK to speak that way to family members."
Gently prompt toddlers to be polite. Ask your child, "What do we say when we want more juice?" and praise her when she answers you correctly. That has worked for Leah Behre and her two-year-old daughter, Jane, of Ewing, New Jersey. "Every time she says 'please' or 'thank you,' we respond as if she's done a double somersault off the high board," Behre says. "I can see her thinking, 'These words got me my juice pretty fast, and Mommy looks so happy. I'm going to do it again!'" At this time, the child may not have the capacity to see past getting what she wants, but she's learning behavior that will become more meaningful later on.
HELPING PRESCHOOLERS LEARN THE RULES
"By age three or four, kids are able to comprehend many rules of politeness," says Dr. Lamb. "But poor impulse control makes it hard to remember to obey them." That is why rules such as no interrupting, no pushing, no using bad or mean words, and no chewing with your mouth open need to be constantly enforced—and reinforced—during these years. "You may think, so what if he eats with his fingers? Why make dinner a hassle?" says Dr. Lamb. Big mistake: A few years from now such behavior won't be so cute anymore, and it will have become a bad habit that's much harder to break.
Don't yell at your child; instead, give him frequent reminders. "Three-year-olds have the capacity for empathy. But they're still struggling with their own need to put themselves first, so they may be inconsistent when it comes to consideration for others," Dr. Wagner says. That's why they may need frequent and gentle reminders about doing and saying the right thing.
But even when your three- or four-year-old uses good manners without being prodded by you, chances are she still needs to be reminded of the meaning behind polite behavior and expressions. "I often see preschoolers grab a toy from another child and say, 'Thank you,' " says Dr. Wagner.
Help your preschooler to put herself in the other person's shoes. "Don't just say that it's rude to tell Sally that her dress is ugly," Dr. Ginsberg says. "Instead ask, 'How would you feel if Sally told you that your dress was ugly?'"
Don't criticize your child in public or attempt to embarrass her into being polite. Take her aside to explain the problem. "When you shame a child, it makes her focus on herself," says Lamb. "As a result, she may become even less empathetic."
Know when to let a child work things out herself. "Parents often confuse a child in the name of politeness," says Dr. Wagner. "If Tim grabs a toy from Rick, Tim's mom says to give it back. But if Rick grabs the toy, Tim's mom tells Tim to let him have it. Either way, Tim loses the toy and that breeds resentment between the children, not good manners." A better solution is to state the problem clearly and give youngsters a chance to work things out on their own. Dr. Wagner says, "Say to the children, 'Both of you want this toy. What can you do about that?' Sometimes they'll fight and you'll need to intervene. But you may be surprised to see one child hand it to the other voluntarily."
In fact, in many ways other kids may be your child's best teachers of etiquette. "Preschoolers are learning that they need to use their social skills in order to gain their peers' cooperation," says Wagner. "If you want your classmates to help you put on a puppet show, you need to use your manners, or no one will want to play with you."
COUNTERING BAD INFLUENCES
"Look, Mom. That guy is fat!" It's the sort of thing five-year-olds are prone to say in public (usually in a stage whisper). At moments like these, children are still too self-absorbed to care about being rude, and they need to be reminded that their words are potentially hurtful. "You have to point things out over and over at this age until they sink in," Dr. Lamb says.
Getting your message across can be tougher than ever as your child's world widens and the myriad influences on him become harder to control. Many parents choose the movies and television their children see to limit exposure to bad behavior, but experts say that is not enough.
Watch television together and discuss what you're seeing. "When you see a character in a show be rude or mean to others, turn it into a learning experience. Ask your child questions about how they think a character may feel in reaction to someone else's behavior, or comment on what you think a polite person might have said," says Dr. Wagner.
Monitor your own behavior. "Many parents unthinkingly make snide remarks about people, don't say 'thank you' to salesclerks, and interrupt others, including their kids," says Dr. Ginsberg. "Then they wonder why their children are so rude!" If your child catches you being discourteous, making excuses for yourself will send the wrong message. Instead, says Dr. Ginsberg, you should admit you were rude and say you'll behave better next time.
Being a polite role model pays off. "My husband and I have made a real effort to be more well-mannered ever since we became parents," says Ann McLellan Lardas, a mother of four in Houston. "Because our children know we all play by the same rules, we have more clout when enforcing rules. They know it's important that everyone in our family be polite."
MIND-YOUR-MANNERS FUN
How do you make learning good manners fun for kids? Here are some recommendations from Nicole DeVault, a New York City-based children's etiquette consultant and teacher.
Two-year-olds: Make a game out of introducing yourself, shaking hands, and asking "How do you do?"
Three-year-olds: Let your child dictate a thank-you note whenever he receives a gift, and have him sign it with an ink thumbprint.
Four-year-olds: Designate an "excuse me" week. Then give your child a star for every day she remembers to use the phrase, and a small reward at the end of the week.
Five-year-olds: Role-play the proper way to answer the telephone. Provide small colored pads on which your child can take a "message."
Six-year-olds: Teach the art of being a gracious host. Let your child throw a dinner party for a few pals, set the table properly, and decorate it beautifully.
Nancy Kalish is a New York City-based freelance writer who specializes in parenting and women's health issues. |
